Vietnam 14 - Inevitable Climax

I'm sure you can guess how I woke up, and it never gets any better. I sorted my pockets, combed my hair, dropped caffeine, and headed outside as pointed... And waited, and waited, and then gave up and went back to the room. It's certainly a miscommunication, but it feels like an organized conspiracy against proper sleep.

About an hour later, Lou walked in asking why I didn't have shoes on. I bit my tongue, donned boots, and loaded into the SUV.  Heading out of the city, Lou immediately fell asleep in the back seat curled up with a girlfriend, leaving an unfortunately caffeinated me to listen to grandma argue with the driver in Vietnamese.

Only one mistake available: More drugs. Pepto was a definite after last night, more caffeine was a strong second. If there ever a time to borrow happiness from tomorrow it was today, so a mild gabaergic completed the cocktail. Two(ish) hours later (including a stop to pick up grandpa) the drugs finally kicked in as we took an off-ramp into the countryside.

This was even more rural than our previous stops, and we crossed countless canals on one-lane bridges before finally arriving (with a bunch of loud arguments), on the appropriate stretch of backroad we were looking for. Today's task was to perform the new year's rituals for Lou's grandparents, on her father's (not stepfather's) side. We marched through the weeds to a row of overgrown graves, and began cleaning.  But only one grave, we needed to leave the others  as-is so the appropriate grandchildren could clean them...   I grabbed a machete and assigned myself a region of weeds, and set to work. Between the drugs and having a solid helpful task I was feeling pretty good.

After cleaning, we set out a meal, poured rice wine, tea, and beer, and settled in to wait for the incense to burn out so the deceased could partake. Just like the first day, we got bored barely a quarter of the way through the incense, and decided "Good enough, it's time to eat".

We deconstructed the grave offerings, marched across the field in the opposite direction, and settled in for lunch with that half the family.  Very rural, they had chickens in their garage, an outhouse at the end of their awnings, and an excavator in their driveway. TBH, it looks like a great life.

Lou had me fly the drone to check out the land she purchased (an empty acre of marsh across the street, where her father grew up?) then we had an excessively large (and delicious) meal and made polite conversation. According to Lou, I have three stories: getting arrested in NYC, when she injected a chip in my hand, and cutting off my finger. Before I knew it it was time to go.

However, instead of going home, we stopped by grandma/grandpas house. And then, instead of going home, we went to visit more relatives, so it's time for another episode of Vietnamese Cribs! These relatives ran a pharmacy, so they lived in a commercial building, 30% larger in size than the hackerspace (1600sqft?) but similar layout.   The first quarter was pharmacy, the second quarter was medical beds (half occupied - apparently pharmacies in rural VN double as low-stakes hospitals), the third quarter garage and lofted bedrooms, and the final quarter was kitchen/bathroom/patio.

And here, it was time for second lunch! Despite stuffing myself to the gills less than an hour ago it was time for another four-course goodbye meal. Initially, I was focused on befriending the kittens, who scampered between the chairs torn between their fear of people and their desire for scraps. However, as the meal wore on, I was increasingly distracted by my seat-neighbor, who found the chance to drink with a gringo a chance to defend his native honor and busted out his home-made moonshine. 30% ABV? (thank God), inoffensive taste, and the strongest thing I'd drank in weeks.  Initially, I did my best to minimize the abuse to my liver. I would take half-shots of moonshine or substitute beer, but uncle said we were each having a bottle, and Lou wasn't about to let me back out.

So I accepted the assignment. If she was going to ignore me for days and then demand I get drunk... might as well.  I matched this motherfucker shot-for-shot though an entire water bottle of moonshine ricewine. Success. We're both winners, time to go home! 

Hell no. Lou insisted we hit the two-bottle goal, nobody else could keep up with uncle so this was a special treat. I learned Lou's sister is adopted, which I figured "explains how she could be tall and hot"...  I'm definitely feeling it, but no worries. We did another water bottle of moonshine, this time made with fungal caterpillars.  Let me quote wikipedia here:  Cordyceps fungus parasitizes caterpillars to produce a fruiting body which is valued in traditional Chinese medicine as an aphrodisiac. These often contain high amounts of heavy metals, making them potentially toxic. But also, it is delicious.  And yes, I had to explain the term "aphrodisiac" to Lou with a crude hand motion under the table.  But the bottle is empty! We're done with this game. We can both shake hands and head out.  

Fuck no. Uncle was up for one more, and Lou demanded we continue, and at this point I was in no case to say no.  We split a mug of raw of unfiltered moonshine, complete with chunks of tiny caterpillars, regretting every drop. Lou's friend wanted to help, and less for me is definitely welcome.  "Clearly she wants the horny caterpillar" I told Lou, only for her to glare daggers at me.  Fuck it, who cares. We finish the mug and I'm relieved to have made it. 

Nope. We have to end by splitting a beer, and Lou wasn't letting me say no. I've surrendered my free will for the last two weeks, why should today be any different? I slammed half a beer.

When I drafted this drunk I wrote "And then I politely made my excuses, stepped away to the restroom, and un-chugged half a beer" which is a total whitewash. The reality is... I have no memories of the next five minutes. My memory resumes with me puking a liter of beer and caterpillars into the kitchen sink, while panicked Vietnamese noises start behind me.  This was apparently the signal the party had been waiting for, I was immediately whisked away to dodge traffic (which I'm still great at, even drunk) and load into the car.

Having purged the toxins from my body, I quickly felt okay. Lou, however, passed out snoring in the back seat while her GPS demanded we make U-turns. I asked her to mute her phone, and she responded angrily, accusing me of attempting to seduce all her friends and her sister... I had no idea how to respond, so I went with the truth:  I desperately need to pee.

I had resigned myself to jumping out at the next intersection, urinating in an alley, and walking home when the driver (another uncle?) pulled into a gas station. Blessed relief.  When I got back in the car Lou told me that she would be getting out at the next stop to hang with friends, and I would be continuing to the apartment with her mom. I couldn't give a fuck.  I accepted that this friendship of a decade might be over a week ago, if the final straw is getting drunk so she could leave me behind... fair trade. 

A drunken draft of today's blog, and finally some sleep with the lights off!. That lasted until 1am, when Lou and a few friends stumbled in to flick on the lights and climb into the loft for an hour of giggling while I regretted my decision not to nope out a few days ago.